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Writings

Joshua J

I grew up in the Mountains of New Hampshire. I had a good childhood for the most part. I loved living in the woods and playing outside. It was fun gaming in the woods and camping outside in the yard. That all changed once my older brother molested me. After that I became an angry child. I never told anyone until now but it affected me in a lot of ways that I now know. My mom and I lost our relationship. I resented her because my brother was her favorite. I ended up doing good and found my peace with sports and motocross and four wheeling. I stuck up for the weak in school and the mentally challenged. I fought a lot because of that. I did not like bullies and I also did school plays and was a very good at playing the part of someone else. I never really found myself out of my shell after what my brother did. At age ten I had a minor heart attack. That's when they found out I had heart conditions. By age 13 they took away physical stress after an unsuccessful surgery so I couldn't play my sports or compete. That's when I fell into a very depressive state and found drugs and alcohol. My anger came back and there was no reasoning with me. I've been arrested numerous times and spent a lot of time in jail. I went from forth in my class to not graduating. In and out of rehabs and psych wards. I died three times and even lost my ability to have kids over my drug use. I wished for death to the max in hopes to not wake up the next day. I have scars on my lists and tried killing myself with pills. I was empty inside. I saw no reason to not use and I was always the cool kid that was the life of the party until the end of the night. I sold drugs to feed my habit. I had many girlfriends but the wrong ones. I always wanted something real. They weren't ready for that. The last year is when I decided I really wanted to change. To be sober. I never wanted to think I could never use again. I want to be happy and be the man I know I can be. I got my first site of happiness with myself when I ran 5 ½ miles over the bridge to North Fort Myers. I'm always there to lift people up and to do something for me felt good. I haven't run in many years other than running from cops. I set my goals for myself and try to reach them. My life starts today. The past is the past but it made me the man I am today so I don't regret my past. I just have to forgive and move forward. Forgive anyone who hurt me and forgive myself and let go of anger so I can start being happy. I want my song to be about asking my higher power to keep me strong on this journey in recovery. I turned my back and I know I can't do it on my own and my higher power has kept me alive when I shouldn't be. I am still alive for a reason. I know I have God to thank for that. He never left me but now it is time to walk with him not with him behind me.

#29 Untitled

Writing by Joshua J-Saluscare

Mama said "Trzymaj Sie". Hold on to yourself, take care, take good care.

How do you measure grief that empties you whole? Completely?

When does September end?… You've died every day for 11 years.

Half full?

Often times my cup feels empty.

But most day's I am grateful that I have a cup at all.

#28 Mama Said

Trzymaj Sie (Hold On) by Monika

A friend when it counts is a hard thing to be.

A brotherly love shown in all revelry.

Caring for one to the marrow of bone.

Empathizing with pain when one's lost and alone

Leading with actions and never with words.

Caring for one when sometimes seems absurd

Accepting with love when it cost you a hand

Unwavering love for the soul of the man

accepting the change and respecting the thought.

A friend to the end without even a thought

routing for one with no self in mind

being the one who is thoughtful and kind

no burdens to amend behind Mary award

celebrating success from the wings of a bird.

A friend you can count on is one that you need.

A friend you can trust this the one you can be.

#27 Friends

by Bud R

Redemption

When will it come, when will it be Buried inside, lost in a breeze

Floated away just out of reach Decided to leave it outside on a leash

Outside it stayed, out of sight out of mind

 as long as I knew where it was I’d be fine

Can’t remember the day, the week or the year

Time to call on it’s presence, but was soon struck with fear

Where have you gone I screamed to myself,

 A sharp pain in my stomach was all that I felt

I left it right there just off to the side

It probably just hid for a second I cried

Frantically searching I destroyed the place

Succumb with fear, I raced and I paced.

Under the foot of the table, the arm of the chair

The back of the closet, the pit of the stairs.

Out of ideas lost and alone

all I could do was to let out a moan

Then a sigh and I hung my head low

It was over, there was no place to go

Lost forever never again to be found

The tears started flowing without even a sound

overcome with emotion infuriated with God.

What do you want, would you look at this slob

It must end like this, I’m ready to die

they poured with a fury no reason to lie

but death didn’t come as I let it all go

a relief and a peace started to flow

I sensed something was different and looked up to see

The light overtook me the warmth was in me

and there it was I had found it at last

Is all I had to do was let go of the past.

#26 Redemption

Writing by Bud R

He said give me your hand I said no, he said I promise you I won't let go. But I can't, no I can't let it show. I turn away but it wasn't planned I'm praying you can understand. This hole in my heart keeps tearing me apart, try to heal but I don't know where to start. Chorus... You're way too good for me, it's plain to see I don't want to hurt you anymore so I'll set you free. Don't chase me just stay away I'm broken I'm not okay it's a prison I can't escape no keys can unlock the gates, of this hell inside my brain. When you turn your back I'll probably run don't know where I'll go, but I know it's not fun. To feel like I'm the only one, who can't stick around in a small small town where there is love and light. But I'll be alright. Don't hold out your hand don't ask me to stay because I can't take it for one more day, even more of my feelings will fade away. Chorus... You're way too good for me it's plain to see I don't want to hurt you anymore so I'll set you free, because I'm broken mentally, seeing all I can see I'm not who I want to be so don't chase me babe I'm not okay.

# 25 Phoenix

Phoenix Individual 7/18/2018

Kristen R Sovereign Health

Game of life.

Why do I live in fear, feel like it's hard to breathe.

Why do I have guilt and shame? Maybe life is just a game.

Two steps forward five steps back why have my dreams fallen through the cracks.

Replaying the tape back.

Been beaten and broken, have wanted it all to end.

Finally starting to lift my head again.

My past doesn't define me. My scars don't define me.

But surviving the hardships of life gave me strength to fight.

I'm a warrior at heart. Through the dark of my soul shines light.

I'm not weak anymore. I'm a Knight with my shield of light.

Life has tried to knock me down but I fight to stay up.

Hope and love shine from my light.

Ignite my flame I'm going to win this game of life.

No one knowing the pain. Addiction has lost the game

#24. Game of Life

Kristen R. Sovereign Health

Under the Sea. Shelby Danielle C. Sovereign health.

When I say I am "under the Sea" I mean depression and anxiety are holding me captive.

Telling the that this is normal, I'm fine.

When I say "I am fine" I am silently saying "Help Me!"

I am searching for the surface as the waves crash and carry me back under.

When I laugh it is a forced hollow sound begging to be filled.

I mean, I need me to feel whole.

When I say I have found knickknacks, I mean that I am learning new tools to help me make it past the crashing waves,

and when I say waves I'm talking about the racing thoughts and the gut wrenching feelings of being alone. When I say I feel alone, I mean I am in a crowded room but am stuck inside my head.

When I am stuck inside my head, I am searching for my prince.

When I say Prince I mean the other half of me I need to walk.

When I say walk I mean I need to breathe and not taste sadness with every gasp.

When I say breathe I mean I want to smile and not feel fake. I need to laugh and feel it in my heart.

And here I start.

#23 Under the Sea

Shelby Danielle C Sovereing Health

Phoenix Sovereign health

You got to wake up and do a little dance.

Today is a new day and you got plans.

Crawl out of bed I know you can.

This is a motivation song we all understand.

Dance, dance like nobody is watching.

Setting in the shower the clock is to talk.

Dance like you just don't care.

You should brush as a microphone while you do your hair.

#22 Motivation Song

Phoenix Sovereign Health

The Mission by Michael Pacanza

 

As I lay endless as if in peace

my mind wanders off, because I cannot sleep.

Here in the woods all seems so calm.

But the quiet is shattered by the impact of bombs.

My thoughts returned and I come to see

that I have been sent to a place across the sea.

 

CHORUS:

oh God I’m just not sure what to do.

The mission I’m on has just got screwed.

To run and hide and get away

is the best plan that I have for today.

 

Being dropped behind enemy lines

to sneak around to see what I can find.

Best desktop from me to do

when Charlie can hide in the dew.

To get back home safe and sound

is the plan if I am not caught and bound.

 

Chorus:

 

Head up the mountain is what I must do

I must reach the pass, or else I am screwed.

It’s getting late and all seems calm

but I was told that this is the quiet before the bomb.

This country is beautiful, breathtaking indeed

but my mission is clear,

I must follow orders by planting the seed.

 

Chorus:

#21 The Mission

Michael P. Individual

The Mountain Pass by Michael Pacanza

 

As I make my way across the mountain path

ahead lies breathtaking beauty.

To be free to roam and call it my home

it’s the greatest, this is for me.

The air is crisp and the sky is blue,

all is so quiet, I’m not sure what to do.

 

Chorus:

God please lead me from this path,

for this is how I’ve worn this mask.

To be free to roam and enjoy the wealth

is but a dream because I have no stealth.

 

The path is simple, but I’ve lost my faith.

I trudge alone and can’t see your face.

It is strangely quiet and the light is fading.

The time has come, and left me waiting.

I am not alone, it’s voices I hear

spoke in a language I’ve come to fear.

 

Chorus:

 

I lay on the ground covered with leaves.

Frozen with fear because I do not believe.

The voices creep closer of that I am sure.

It’s me there after and I haven’t a cure.

For I in the enemy and I cannot escape.

Capture is certain and I can’t retaliate.

 

Chorus:

#20 Mountain Pass

Michael P. Individual

Don't Let Me Go 

Words by Mimi 

 

I thought I had found a new love

my desires were so fulfilled

I thought - to be happy inside

this I must need to build

 

as it had become my friend

the more the liquor went down

with the new me I was seeing

I certainly did not frown

 

wanting my honor

wanting my esteem

wanting myself

My soul and dignity

Please help me God, Are you there my God

stay with me, don't let me go

 

Somehow it began to turn

to hurt the ones I love

destroying all that's in my path

all I do is push an shove

 

I desperately wanted my life back

to be free from this ugly disease

So sobriety is what I soon found

the trouble needed to cease

 

wanting my honor

wanting my esteem

wanting myself

My soul and dignity

Please help me God, Are you there my God

stay with me, don't let me go

 

Now on my way down the right road

I have passion and love for life

although I must work to keep what I got

it will no longer cut like a knife

 

earning my honor

earning my esteem

earning myself

My soul and dignity

you helped me God, you are there my God

you stayed with me and never let me go

#19 Don't Let Me Go

Mimi U. Individual

The day I died and life began

I left behind a vacant land.

The pieces of me that you’ll never have to see

planted beneath to bloom into a part of me

that I was always supposed to be.

The day it all went dark

 I needed the night  to see the spark.

To rip apart the mask I made

Throughout this life time charade.

Set flames to the past to light the path

Free from pain but far from sane

I start the day with this prayer I say.

Guide me from here because I don’t know the way

See I left behind all that I’ve tried

along with who I thought I was the day that I died

#18 The Day I Died

Mellissa S Individual

Joyce A. 06/01/18 Saluscare TLC

Saying goodbye to her addiction.

Goodbye.

Don't get me wrong, I would have been better off not knowing you, but I needed to learn another lesson about myself. I needed to be humbled. I needed a "bitch slap", a wake-up call to reality. Surprisingly I am grateful for the lesson I learned, for the life experience and that you didn't take my life. Even though you would have in a literal heartbeat.

People have told me that I am strong. I never really believed it. After coming through this last battle (rock-bottom) with you I feel like the champion. Now don't get me twisted, I know it's just the beginning and you are always in the shadow waiting to steal the trophy. (My life/soul) good thing I am a very forgiving person but I will never forget the pain and damage, and oh yeah the loss that took place. I have to go. I can't and will not waste any more words, thought or time on the. Shit, I am booked on my calendar just trying to clean up the mess you made. Do me a favor lose my number, address, anything that reminds you of me. Just forget you even knew me. Peace out.

#17 Good Bye

Joyce A Saluscare TLC 06-01-18

This is a lengthy  writing so we have posted only the first paragraph or two

 

Joyce A. 10/12/18

 

Letter to child.

Hi Sophia my baby. How are you? I miss you a lot. I haven't seen you in the longest time. I wanted to wait one more day to go into the place I am at so that I could see you but it was extremely important that I came here. Got put off way too long. But everything has a reason for happening. I'm writing this letter because I have gotten to speak to you long enough and without crying on the phone. Yes I have my reasons for doing what I did, but they were also excuses that I gave myself. And I chose wrong. All I can do is explain what happened. You are old enough to get an explanation. You know pretty much why also that this letter is for you to read only!!! It might be misunderstood or upset someone else if they read it. I meant what I said on the phone a few days ago about telling the truth. Lies are how this whole mess started. I was unhappy I really tried to start fresh when you guys came home when it's hard when one person is married or with someone very close and they aren't supporting or saying things with you. Basically, not in the same boat.

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#16 Letter to a Child

Joyce A. 10/12/18 Saluscare TLC

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